Things I'm Thinking About

Tag: Oliver

On the Deck 2008

A day at our cabin in the Boulder Ridge, near Laramie, Wyoming. Back when summertime meant all the kids were home with us.

In the early morning, it’s cool and quiet on the deck. The kids sleep late. Steve gets up first and  hikes up to the promontory overlooking the beaver pond, hoping to see some wildlife. The elk, moose and deer are active in the cover of darkness, but before the sun is up for long, the noise of our family scares them back into hiding. Soon he’s back, whistling a tune and getting the day started.

I sleep in, at least until the coffee is ready, then go out to my favorite chair, barefoot and still in my nightgown. Sometimes I sit facing the hummingbird feeder, the big pine tree, and the distant ridge, but usually I sit facing the other way, looking toward the aspen grove. This is the view I dream of, the one I call to mind when I need a serene image to dwell on–when I’m having dental work done or when I’m trying to distract an upset child from a nightmare. I don’t need a book or anything to do; I am content to sit and soak up the air and the sky and the trees. The air smells like warm pine and loamy dirt as the sun heats up the earth. The sky is clear, bright blue before the afternoon thunder clouds billow up. The aspen leaves shimmer and jump at the slightest breath of breeze, whispering ancient forest words.

It’s not long before the kids start to trickle out of the cabin, across the deck to the outhouse. Some join us on the deck with a cup of coffee, but the stillness of the morning keeps us quiet, enjoying the slow, easy start to the day. The youngest boy is impatient for breakfast and for his brother to get up, so they can start of the business of finding secret forts and having air-soft wars. Oliver, our golden retriever, is restless too, ready for the woods, the animal smells, his all-day running and exploring. There’s a vole or a mouse teasing him in the wood pile, but as soon as anyone stands up and heads for the gate, he leaves his post there and scampers down the driveway, ears perked up, stopping only to look back to make sure we are coming before bounding ahead again.

Once breakfast is eaten and cleaned up, I go back out on the deck again, this time under the umbrella’s shade. The hummingbirds are busy by mid-morning, quarreling and chasing each other in dive-bombing acrobatics that have us squealing and ducking. There’s room for four tiny birds on the feeder, but each one wants it to himself. These green-brown birds, with the iridescent red spot on their throats, migrate by the deck in the summer, stopping for some sugar water when we are here. The boys take turns standing completely still by the feeder, hands resting on the red top, until the little birds forget that they are there and land on their fingers, lighting first with wings still humming, then coming to a rest on the human perch. Sometimes a larger, metallic-gold colored hummingbird arrives and chases all the others away, a beautiful bossy bird we wish would leave our friends alone.

Late morning, it’s time for another cup of coffee, chatting, maybe thinking about a trip into town later, or starting the new book I picked out for these perfectly, gloriously open days at the cabin. There’s no clock on the deck, and I don’t wear my watch or compulsively check my phone like I do at home. The sun, forcing me to move to find fresh shade, and hunger pangs–usually the kids’–are the only time keepers. Lunch soon comes and goes, and then I may take a hike down to the meadow where the giant Aspen tree stands and the spring gurgles up through the grass.  Before long, I end up back on the deck, maybe with a beer this time.

The morning’s stillness has given way to the flurry of a big family, with conversations starting and trailing off as people come and go, playing, arguing, laughing, teasing–busy about the work of the cabin, whether that’s simply relaxing or working on a project. The afternoons often bring clouds, immense thunderheads pushing higher and higher, the tops brilliant white against the blue sky and the undersides dark, threatening rain. If it doesn’t rain hard or hail, I’ll stay out under the big umbrella and watch the storm race through. After it’s passed, the sun is back, the woods smell clean and mossy, and the deck dries quickly.

As the afternoon wanes, it’s time to think about dinner, and after that, a campfire is on the kids’ minds. They are ready for roasting marshmallows and making s’mores. By the time we’ve made and eaten our fill, sang the old favorites, and told the scary stories about Big Foot and the deadly blue mist, the last of the sunset has left the sky. The moon is rising, and the stars appear in the darkening sky. The fire has died down to embers, finally perfect for marshmallows, but we’ve had enough. The fire is still perfect, though, for staring into while talking in low voices in the moonlight.  One by one, people leave, picking  their way back over the rocks and logs to the cabin.

We go in partly because it’s chilly, and partly because the mosquitoes are on the hunt once the smokiness of the campfire dies down. For me, though, it’s mostly because it’s too dark. This part of the Rocky Mountains is home to abundant wildlife–not just moose, elk and deer, but predators like black bear, coyote and mountain lion. During the day, this doesn’t bother me. While I haven’t actually seen them, there’s Boulder Ridge lore about these hunters, and it’s not unusual to see bear or cat scat on a hike, or to hear coyotes  yipping and barking at night. When I can’t see into the layers of black-outlined trees, I’m afraid. The night is thick. I can hear the leaves rustling, their words menacing now in the wind. I imagine something right there, seeing me, haunches rocking, ready to pounce.

My stomach feels tight and jumpy, my muscles ache from clenching. I wish my insides would settle down so I could stay out on the deck, especially on moonless nights, the darkest nights, when the stars–so many, many more than I can see at home in a city night sky–pop out, and the Milky Way is a bright swoosh across the black, star-sparkling sky. I want to sit and soak it up like I do the day-time scene, but I end up scurrying into the safety of the cabin walls and light after only a few minutes, teeth chattering. Our domain, so welcoming during the day, reverts to it’s wild inhabitants at nightfall.

If it’s chilly, we light the cozy wood stove, and bring our reading and games and conversations inside until we are ready to go to bed. We are safe in our snug little home, and another day–my favorite kind of day, in a place I love–is done.

Oliver and Tie

Oliver, our golden retriever, was 12 when we said good-bye to him. Our hearts were broken; he had been part of our family since we brought him home as a puppy. He is in the background of almost every childhood memory, his happy, goofy presence at every birthday party, every holiday, every trip to the family cabin in the mountains. Furry blurs of a golden wagging tail brush the edges of photos, and especially in the later years, his sleeping form stretches out in the backdrop of family events. He was always there, a constant companion, calmly witnessing our lives, then jumping up to join us at even the spelled word w-a-l-k.

When he died, I missed him. In the grief though, there was also relief. I didn’t have to worry about leaving him home alone too long, or about his increasing pain and difficultly with daily tasks . Over the course of a few weeks, the tumbleweeds of golden dog hair diminished and the floors stayed clean. When the mood struck, we could leave home for a few days without having to make arrangements for dog care. I decided I would get used to the empty feeling the house had when the kids were away. I was a one-dog woman, I consoled myself. I had known one great dog love.

The kids, though, began to agitate for a new dog. We need a puppy, they told me. Even the kids no longer living at home joined the cry for a new dog. A dog exactly like Oliver. It doesn’t feel like home when there’s not a dog greeting us, they lamented. We can’t go to the cabin without a dog, they implored. I admit, I had looked at Golden puppies on the internet, just a quick peek to see what was out there. When the pressure came, it didn’t take much to persuade me. Before the excitement had a chance to mellow into reality, we were hot on the trail of a puppy.

Our little Tie came home two months after we lost Ollie. We named him for the tiny town our cabin is near, Tie Siding. He was adorable, energetic, hilarious–he cocked his head and perked up his ears and we were smitten. He reminded us so much of Oliver, but was so different at the same time. He charmed us with his love of snuggling, his ability to lay on his back and manipulate his toys with his agile front paws, and his eagerness to please. He was exhausting, though. The promises of help and commitment from the kids wore thin and all but vanished when school started in August. It was me and Tie, and he wasn’t lying down in the background.

Walks and exercise became essential daytime events, and missing one meant an unpleasant evening of diverting Tie from destructive chewing and annoying attempts to pull us into his slobbery games of tug-o-war. He loved his toys, and he loved putting them under the furniture and then digging and barking to get them. A tired dog is a good dog, so the adage goes. It was my job to do the tiring out, and I wasn’t very good at it. I began to question the wisdom of getting another dog. He was driving me crazy.

A neighbor who also had a puppy told me about a park up the street where neighbors with dogs met to let them play. A few minutes of frolicking with other puppies was much more effective than a long walk, he assured me. After trying it once and reaping the benefit of a calm evening, I became a regular. As often as I could, I went to the park, let Tie off his leash for his romp, and settled in to chatting with the dog owners who visit the park every evening. After a few weeks, I started seeing these neighbors around town, and inviting other dog owners I met to join the fun. Some evenings, the park was crowded with racing, wrestling dogs. Other nights, it was just a dog friend or two. Every time, Tie would come home happy and tired. A good dog.

Still, I wonder if it was a good idea to get a puppy. My fifth child left home to start college, leaving our nest nearly empty. One more remains at home for a few years, and Tie will be a sweet companion for him. The work of caring for a dog, though, could outweigh that on certain slobbery, busy evenings. I was ready to be done with that responsibility. He ties me down. Was our name choice a subliminal cry for prudence?

He also pulls me out, though–out into my neighborhood for some exercise when I would rather sit on my couch, out into my community to meet people I otherwise would have no connection to, and out of myself to see the world from the viewpoint of a purely happy, loving, excited canine. Tie is breaking into my one-dog heart. I can’t resist the look of expectation on his furry face when he rides in the passenger seat of the car, taking in the sights; his love for his blankie, and how he shows it to all visitors; the way he leaps in the air with all four paws when he sees me putting on my shoes for a walk; and his warmth on my feet when he follows me wherever I go and lies down near me. Whether it was a good idea or not, I think I love him.

The other day on a walk with Tie, I realized I don’t accidentally call him Ollie anymore. I’m not constantly evaluating Tie’s personality and behavior in contrast to Oliver’s, the only way I could make sense of him at first. My memories of Oliver aren’t quite as distinct as they were, now blending into general dog experience. That makes me sad, missing Oliver again, my first dog love, but also happy for Tie’s sweet company.  I guess I’m not a one-dog woman.

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