Things I'm Thinking About

Category: Remembering (Page 1 of 2)

Bay Blood

It’s wedding weekend. My nephew on my husband’s side is getting married on Saturday. My sister-in-law flew in from Colorado this morning, and after a lunch at her favorite spot–Saul’s on Shattuck–we drove to the San Francisco airport to pick up my mother-in-law, who flew in from Oregon. Tomorrow more family will arrive from Colorado, Oregon and Southern California. We are a typical, far-flung family.

We ordered pizza and opened some wine and sat in the living room chatting. Two of the kids were home and joined us. Our conversation ranged from politics to old family stories.

My mother-in-law’s memories took us back to her elementary school days, when the family lived in Oakland’s Dimond District. After they moved to Walnut Creek, there were Friday nights out with friends cruising “the Main,” and late night races through the Caldecott Tunnel, using all the lanes and praying there wasn’t any oncoming traffic

One story led to another. My mother-in-law remembered a time in high school when she went out dancing with a date to the St. Francis Hotel in San Francisco, and her date’s car lost its brakes on California Avenue and careened backwards down the steep street into a parking garage where they came to a stop. She was terrified, but somehow they were safe.

After marriage and kids, the family was true to their Bay Area teams. Apparently she was a very vocal fan at A’s and Raiders’ games. My husband inherited this trait, as those of you who have watched sports with him can attest.

We heard about the excitement (and an unfortunate loss of bladder control) when she was in the stadium for the famous “Heidi Game,”  when the Raiders pulled out a miracle victory. The network had stopped coverage of the football game and started playing the movie Heidi, causing fans watching at home to miss the last-minute touchdown that won the game. She also remembered going to LA to see the A’s in the World Series, and is still upset about that unlikely final home run by a guy with an injured leg that gave the series to the Dodgers.

The kids were amazed. They hadn’t realized how deep their Bay Area roots go. As far back as they remember, Grandma has lived in Oregon, but tonight they connected with the fact that their grandparents and their dad are Bay born and raised. They feel a new sense of belonging; their love of the Bay now justified. No wonder this feels like home–it’s in their blood.

I thought they knew this family lore, but somehow it didn’t get transferred. We better keep on talking–there are lots more stories to tell.

Four Eyes

Last October, I stopped wearing contact lenses. They started occasionally feeling uncomfortable a few years ago, and by this time last year, they were bugging me almost every day. They weren’t painful, just irritating. At my yearly check-up, the optometrist told me that the fit and prescription were fine, and sent me on my way.

I have glasses for back-up use, and with a fresh prescription, I picked out some new frames. When I started wearing them, they were so comfortable that I reached for them every day instead of my scratchy contacts. This may seem unremarkable, but for me, it was a big step.

I got my first pair of glasses in kindergarten. A friend of the family noticed that my right eye was turning in, and suggested I might need to see an eye doctor. I was diagnosed with a “Lazy Eye.” The doctor wanted me to wear an eye patch over my good, hard-working eye to get that lazy eye to step it up and start doing its job, but it didn’t help–probably because I didn’t wear it very much. I didn’t like the eye patch; everything was blurry with it on, and at age five I didn’t see the point and I cheated.

So I had to wear glasses. I was a four-eyes. I am lucky; when my vision is corrected by glasses or contact lenses, my eye does not turn in. My prescription was quite strong even as a child, so my glasses made my eyes look unnaturally large. I didn’t really mind wearing them until I got to middle school. That’s when I decided that I looked better without them. I took them off sometimes during the school day, but only when I wasn’t looking directly at people. A glasses-free side view was the most I could do, because I was very self-conscious about my eye turning in. People commented on that even more than on my thick lenses.

In eighth grade, my life changed. I started wearing contact lenses. Suddenly, I wasn’t homely Judy any more. From that day until about a year ago, I rarely wore glasses, except at home. If I ever wore glasses in public, I noticed–or thought I did–that people looked at me differently. Wearing glasses, I went back to being homely Judy with the crossed eye.

Ever since my eye-patch failure, I have disliked eye exams. My left eye does it’s job and reads the charts on the wall, but my right eye just can’t. The letters start to swim and merge, my eye starts to water from the effort, and I can’t pass the test. About 15 years ago, I started seeing a new optometrist after we moved. She checked my vision and told me I have amblyopia. She didn’t call it Lazy Eye, she called it Amblyopia.

One eye simply cannot be corrected as much as the other. No judgement. No need for shame. She also told me that my experience of the swimmy, bouncing letters on the chart when I read with my right eye is typical of amblyopia. I wasn’t failing the vision test after all. I started to feel less ashamed of my underperforming eye, and even have some compassion. It wasn’t lazy, it was just weaker than the other one.

When I started wearing my glasses again full-time, I had to face my homely-Judy identity. I know it’s not really a thing–glasses are fashionable, and I still look like myself whether I have frames on or not. I actually like the idea that some of my wrinkles and under-eye shadows are hidden by my frames. It’s my emotional memory, not current facts, that makes me feel like wearing glasses means that I am less likable and more vulnerable.

One benefit of getting older is being able to hold those feelings that come from painful memories at arm’s length. I can evaluate them and understand the shame I felt as a child, and then put them away. I feel the old fears and insecurities, but I don’t care as much if my eyes look oddly large or if I’m not looking my best in glasses. A year back into the four-eye life, I don’t equate my worth with how my eyes look or perform. I don’t really think about it.

Well, sometimes I do. With my daughter’s wedding coming up, I went back to the eye doctor on a mission. I wanted soft contact lenses. I didn’t want to wear glasses for the wedding and the pictures.

The lenses I abandoned a year ago were hard lenses, the gas permeable plastic kind. The optometrist did the exam, found the right soft lenses for me, taught me how to put them in and take them out, and sent me home with some to try. Amazing! They are so comfortable! I don’t wear them every day, because my glasses are just so easy; I use them 1 or 2 times a week when I want to be my glasses-free self.

Either way, two or four eyes, I’m comfortable. The eye turn, though–I’m still working on being ok with that.

Creamed Asparagus

The most watery place I have been is The Netherlands. I visited one of my daughters there when she was studying at the University of Amsterdam for a semester. I took another daughter with me, and we stayed  for about a week. 

The city is built around a system of canals and is named for the dam that originally drained the land. The first canals were built for water management and defense in the middle ages, and the system was expanded in the 17th century to accommodate the exploding world trade that centered in Amsterdam. You can go almost everywhere in the city by boat.

So much water. Managed and moved and channeled so the land could be farmed, built on and lived on. The Dutch say, “God made the Dutch, and the Dutch made Holland.”

I knew this was probably a true statement about Dutchness, because my Dutch grandparents, my mother’s parents, impressed on me from an early age that, “If you aren’t Dutch, you aren’t much.” My grandfather’s parents were both born in Holland. I connect with that heritage in my love of tulips, windmill cookies and Delft pottery, but I didn’t think too much about finding connections on this trip to The Netherlands

We took a canal tour to learn the history and experience the waterways, but most of our time was spent on bikes. Amsterdam is as well known for it’s bikes as it is for it’s water, I think. Everyone cycles; there are cars on the road, but they navigate around the bikes. The roads for bikes are fast-moving two way streets, with cars on a separate part of the road.

We rented bikes for the time we were there, and my daughter insisted that we rent them from one of the less touristy places so that it wasn’t so obvious that we didn’t belong. She had her own bike,  a used one that she purchased at the outdoor market, and it fit her small frame perfectly. Her little Gazelle. She wanted to bring it home with her when her semester was over, but ended up selling it to another student.

We rode our bikes everywhere: to museums, parks, restaurants, a brewery in an old windmill, over bridges, along canals, night and day. Biking is my favorite memory of that trip. When we went to the grocery store, of course we biked, and the trip home with bags and baskets laden with food, drinks and stroopwafels was a test of our balancing skills.

We saw people on bikes carrying everything. Children–from babies to school age–sat in what resembled a little boat on the front of the bike, or lined up on a long bench seat in the back. Business people flew by in suits or skirts, their briefcases and computers loaded into baskets or colorful bags that fit over the rack on the back. I saw someone pump past my with a washing machine balanced in the front cargo section of his bike. No one wears helmets, not even the kids. I never saw any crashes, perhaps because Amsterdammers make good use of their bells to let you know to move out of the way.

One night we scoured internet reviews to choose a place that had a high “lekker” ranking (the Dutch equivalent of Yelp reviews) to go for dinner. We had to follow the map there, because we didn’t have cellular data on our phones, which meant lots of wrong turns and stopping to regroup. We wandered around a residential neighborhood for a while until we found the little local place we were looking for.

Although it seems that everyone in Amsterdam speaks English, this little place did business mostly in Dutch, so we had to rely on the bits of the language my daughter had picked up in her time there. I had a very friendly but hard to understand conversation with a local while we were waiting for a seat. He was talking to me about asparagus, which was one of the specials that day.

When we were seated, the server brought us a dish of asparagus, compliments of the friendly man. When I saw it, I was surprised to identify another thing that had come to me from my Dutch ancestors: creamed asparagus, a dish I grew up with and make for my family, but that I never thought about as cultural food.

Asparagus isn’t a topic that comes up much in conversation, but when I do happen to be discussing recipes for the spring vegetable, I’ve never met anyone who cuts it into pieces, cooks it in water, makes a green cream sauce and serves it over toast like we have always done. They do in Amsterdam. It felt like a revelation. A piece of my puzzle fell into place, one that I didn’t know needed a place.

Amsterdam is watery and California is dry; they speak Dutch and I speak English; they ride bikes and I drive everywhere; but we both make creamed asparagus. I am grateful to the Dutch gentleman who helped me make that connection.

A Gift

One Christmas, I made flannel nightgowns for my four daughters. They were stair-step sizes, the oldest 9, the next 7, then 5, and the youngest 3. The girls loved them and wore them every night. On cold winter mornings, they sat on the heater vents on the floor, waiting for the heater to blow and puff their gowns into little balloons of warmth.

I had chosen an easy pattern, without any buttons or buttonholes, so the neck openings were a little big. On my littlest girl in particular, one side would always slip, falling off her shoulder.

When that littlest girl was 16, the sister closest to her age moved out to go to college. She claimed the newly-vacated room, which had more space and light. Cleaning out the cast-offs she left behind when she changed rooms, I found that little pink nightgown, wadded up in the back of her closet.

I held it up, hem to the floor, trying to picture that little girl, tugging at her pjs to cover up her tiny, soft shoulder. How could she have been so little, this woman-girl with attitude and plans big enough to fill the house? In my heart she’s still that little girl, even when my mind loses track of her in that  grown-up person standing in front of me. This time the nightgown is gift to me, a tangible memory.

I know you’ve heard it so many times–how fast they grow up. We older moms say it because we still can’t believe it. We hope maybe you can learn from our experience,  and make time keep it’s boundaries better, keep it from rushing ahead so fast. 

On the Deck 2008

A day at our cabin in the Boulder Ridge, near Laramie, Wyoming. Back when summertime meant all the kids were home with us.

In the early morning, it’s cool and quiet on the deck. The kids sleep late. Steve gets up first and  hikes up to the promontory overlooking the beaver pond, hoping to see some wildlife. The elk, moose and deer are active in the cover of darkness, but before the sun is up for long, the noise of our family scares them back into hiding. Soon he’s back, whistling a tune and getting the day started.

I sleep in, at least until the coffee is ready, then go out to my favorite chair, barefoot and still in my nightgown. Sometimes I sit facing the hummingbird feeder, the big pine tree, and the distant ridge, but usually I sit facing the other way, looking toward the aspen grove. This is the view I dream of, the one I call to mind when I need a serene image to dwell on–when I’m having dental work done or when I’m trying to distract an upset child from a nightmare. I don’t need a book or anything to do; I am content to sit and soak up the air and the sky and the trees. The air smells like warm pine and loamy dirt as the sun heats up the earth. The sky is clear, bright blue before the afternoon thunder clouds billow up. The aspen leaves shimmer and jump at the slightest breath of breeze, whispering ancient forest words.

It’s not long before the kids start to trickle out of the cabin, across the deck to the outhouse. Some join us on the deck with a cup of coffee, but the stillness of the morning keeps us quiet, enjoying the slow, easy start to the day. The youngest boy is impatient for breakfast and for his brother to get up, so they can start of the business of finding secret forts and having air-soft wars. Oliver, our golden retriever, is restless too, ready for the woods, the animal smells, his all-day running and exploring. There’s a vole or a mouse teasing him in the wood pile, but as soon as anyone stands up and heads for the gate, he leaves his post there and scampers down the driveway, ears perked up, stopping only to look back to make sure we are coming before bounding ahead again.

Once breakfast is eaten and cleaned up, I go back out on the deck again, this time under the umbrella’s shade. The hummingbirds are busy by mid-morning, quarreling and chasing each other in dive-bombing acrobatics that have us squealing and ducking. There’s room for four tiny birds on the feeder, but each one wants it to himself. These green-brown birds, with the iridescent red spot on their throats, migrate by the deck in the summer, stopping for some sugar water when we are here. The boys take turns standing completely still by the feeder, hands resting on the red top, until the little birds forget that they are there and land on their fingers, lighting first with wings still humming, then coming to a rest on the human perch. Sometimes a larger, metallic-gold colored hummingbird arrives and chases all the others away, a beautiful bossy bird we wish would leave our friends alone.

Late morning, it’s time for another cup of coffee, chatting, maybe thinking about a trip into town later, or starting the new book I picked out for these perfectly, gloriously open days at the cabin. There’s no clock on the deck, and I don’t wear my watch or compulsively check my phone like I do at home. The sun, forcing me to move to find fresh shade, and hunger pangs–usually the kids’–are the only time keepers. Lunch soon comes and goes, and then I may take a hike down to the meadow where the giant Aspen tree stands and the spring gurgles up through the grass.  Before long, I end up back on the deck, maybe with a beer this time.

The morning’s stillness has given way to the flurry of a big family, with conversations starting and trailing off as people come and go, playing, arguing, laughing, teasing–busy about the work of the cabin, whether that’s simply relaxing or working on a project. The afternoons often bring clouds, immense thunderheads pushing higher and higher, the tops brilliant white against the blue sky and the undersides dark, threatening rain. If it doesn’t rain hard or hail, I’ll stay out under the big umbrella and watch the storm race through. After it’s passed, the sun is back, the woods smell clean and mossy, and the deck dries quickly.

As the afternoon wanes, it’s time to think about dinner, and after that, a campfire is on the kids’ minds. They are ready for roasting marshmallows and making s’mores. By the time we’ve made and eaten our fill, sang the old favorites, and told the scary stories about Big Foot and the deadly blue mist, the last of the sunset has left the sky. The moon is rising, and the stars appear in the darkening sky. The fire has died down to embers, finally perfect for marshmallows, but we’ve had enough. The fire is still perfect, though, for staring into while talking in low voices in the moonlight.  One by one, people leave, picking  their way back over the rocks and logs to the cabin.

We go in partly because it’s chilly, and partly because the mosquitoes are on the hunt once the smokiness of the campfire dies down. For me, though, it’s mostly because it’s too dark. This part of the Rocky Mountains is home to abundant wildlife–not just moose, elk and deer, but predators like black bear, coyote and mountain lion. During the day, this doesn’t bother me. While I haven’t actually seen them, there’s Boulder Ridge lore about these hunters, and it’s not unusual to see bear or cat scat on a hike, or to hear coyotes  yipping and barking at night. When I can’t see into the layers of black-outlined trees, I’m afraid. The night is thick. I can hear the leaves rustling, their words menacing now in the wind. I imagine something right there, seeing me, haunches rocking, ready to pounce.

My stomach feels tight and jumpy, my muscles ache from clenching. I wish my insides would settle down so I could stay out on the deck, especially on moonless nights, the darkest nights, when the stars–so many, many more than I can see at home in a city night sky–pop out, and the Milky Way is a bright swoosh across the black, star-sparkling sky. I want to sit and soak it up like I do the day-time scene, but I end up scurrying into the safety of the cabin walls and light after only a few minutes, teeth chattering. Our domain, so welcoming during the day, reverts to it’s wild inhabitants at nightfall.

If it’s chilly, we light the cozy wood stove, and bring our reading and games and conversations inside until we are ready to go to bed. We are safe in our snug little home, and another day–my favorite kind of day, in a place I love–is done.

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